


We had Faith

by Vale_ska89



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25657243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vale_ska89/pseuds/Vale_ska89
Summary: Faith lives, but history cannot be changed.
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp & Faith Fraser, Claire Beauchamp & Faith Fraser & Jamie Fraser, Claire Beauchamp/Brianna Randall Fraser MacKenzie, Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 20
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first fan fic, I hope you enjoy it, there's more to come.  
> A big thank you goes to Mushka for proof reading, correcting, reassuring and encouraging me :-)

Faith.  
She had red hair… beautiful red hair, like her father’s. She was tiny, so tiny, I could fit her in my palms, fingers stretched. And she was alive. She screamed, at least she tried to; what came out was just a small sound, more like a cat screaming for some milk, but it was enough. Enough to open her lungs and flood her body with needed oxygen. Enough to calm me and make me sigh with relief. She would need care, a lot of it, and I didn’t know if she could really make it, but for now, all was good, she was alive, even if she came into this world much too soon.   
Slowly, my mind cleared and more rational thoughts stepped aside the joy and happiness that I felt over the birth of my first daughter. Mother Hildegard had named her Faith, and under the circumstances I couldn’t find a better-suited name for her.  
But where was Jamie? Why did he do this? He promised me… promised me he’d let Randall live, for the sake of Frank. I knew Randall would die eventually, but for now, I needed him to be alive, to be the ancestor of my husband in the future. Jamie knew this, promised me to not do anything about this. And still, he went for this duel, went to kill him, broke the promise, and left me alone. I found him, but it was too late; they were already fighting. Suddenly, everything went so fast, I started bleeding and was rushed to the L’Hôpital des Anges, where Mother Hildegarde and the other women spent the last hours trying to save me and my daughter. 

They did save us both, and over the next few weeks Faith gained weight and grew so fast, she seemed to gain more inches day by day. She was a fighter: stubborn and strong-willed. Wonder where she got that from…  
But during all this time, no word from Jamie. I didn’t know where they took him, and while I was nursing Faith and watching her grow and get stronger, I told myself that I didn’t care, I didn’t want to care, didn’t want to know. All that mattered now was that I had Faith; she needed all my attention, so my thoughts about Jamie came only when I had put her in her little crib and she fell asleep with a little smile on her lips every night. Then, all the thoughts, all the feelings, all the questions that I had tucked away so rigorously, came rushing back to me, and I had no chance to fight them off. I lay in my bed weeping, cursing the man who had left me alone with our child, our daughter, turning my grief and sorrows into anger and hatred. I couldn’t admit to myself that I was missing him, that I needed him and desperately wanted to know where and most importantly how he was; it would have only worsened the pain.

But the moment came when I finally got answers to all my questions.. I woke up from my dreamless sleep because I thought I heard a voice, interrupted by sounds of crying.   
I had spent the last few days comforting and calming Faith who was suffering from some stomach pains, so Fergus had offered to take care of her for the night so that I could get some very necessary hours of sleep.   
After some moments I realized it was Fergus who was crying talking to Faith. I tiptoed into the hallway so that I wouldn’t disturb him. I wondered what had happened that he was crying, while Faith seemed totally calm. When I heard his words, they didn’t make any sense. 

„It is my fault, that Milady is sad… my fault that Milord is gone…. I shouldn’t have screamed… I shouldn’t have… I’m so sorry…“

„Fergus“, I said, forgetting that he didn’t know I was listening. He had managed to rock Faith to sleep and I was speaking very quietly to not wake her up again.

„Fergus, what are you talking about? Why are you crying? And how could any of this be your fault?“

At first he was hesitant to tell me, but eventually he knew that now that I had heard those words, I wouldn’t let him go until he told me the whole story.   
So he told me. I could barely hold back my tears, but I knew that I had to, for his sake, I had to be strong for the boy who I had come to be so fond of as if he were my own son.   
It took all the strength that he had to go through all of this by telling me, and all the time I had my arms wrapped around him, stroking his hair, hoping that I was giving him the feeling of being safe.   
  
„I’m so sorry, Milady, I shouldn’t have fought against him… it’s all my fault“, he said under tears when he was finished.   
„No, Fergus! No! It’s not your fault, you did everything right. That English bastard is the only person who did everything wrong. He had no right to hurt you in any way, nobody has that right!“ 

I held the sobbing boy in my arms until he fell asleep.

Now that I knew what had really happened, what had led Jamie to break his promise and fight Randall in a duel, my anger and disappointment ceased, turning into determination. I needed to get my husband back, no matter what. He had done the one thing that had always been one if his defining traits: he protected the ones he loved, if necessary with his own body. And who knew better than I what that really meant, and what he was willing to do. He had protected me, sacrificing and giving himself over to Black Jack Randall in the darkest corner of Wentworth prison, only to make sure that I was saved. Now it was my turn to save him.

Mother Hildegarde had told me what the King would most possibly want from me, and I was ready to do whatever needed to be done. 

„Fuck the King!“ I had said to Black Jack Randall when I ran into him in the gardens of Versailles.   
Now I was the one who had done exactly that, for the sake of my husband.  
I let him do to my body what he obviously expected to do, lying on his bed without any movement. In those short minutes I disconnected myself from my body, keeping my soul safe and unharmed. He could do to my body whatever he wanted, but I’d be damned if I let him get to my soul.

When I arrived home, or to be better said at the place that we had called home for the past few months that we had lived in Paris, I threw the orange in a corner of the courtyard where I knew it would rot and serve as food for some of the rats that visited the courtyard regularly. 

He came back on a quiet Sunday afternoon. Faith was lying in her cot, dreaming and smiling in her sleep, while Fergus was helping the maids in the kitchen.  
I heard the entrance door and knew at once that it was him. I didn’t dare move for my mind was full with mixed emotions. I guessed he wasn’t aware of the circumstances that finally freed him, as well as I wasn’t aware of what state he would be in. He had no knowledge of his daughter, that she was born and growing to be a healthy little girl.  
I lifted my head and there he was, dirty and with eyes full of guilt and sadness. 

„Jamie..“, I got up and walked a few steps towards him. 

„No, Claire… don’t…. I failed ye… and our bairn…. ye must hate the verra sight of me…“  
  
„Jamie, I know why you did what you did… and yes… I did hate you for it… but then Fergus told me what really happened… you didn’t have a choice… you did what you had to do, I know that now… he’s our son…“

A single tear was running down his cheek as he slowly nodded. I took another step towards him to wipe away the tear with my thumb, cupping his face with my hands. 

„It’s alright, Jamie… I’m so glad that you are back… everything is fine.“, I assured him before drawing him in for our first kiss in what felt like ages. 

He hesitated at first, his whole body stiff and reluctant, but started to relax more with every small kiss that I placed on his lips. 

„Claire..“, he suddenly interrupted. „The bairn… I’m so sorry… I saw you, called for you, at the meadow… but everything went so fast…“.

He clearly thought that I had lost our child. 

„Come“, I whispered, taking his hand and leading him into our bedroom, where I had put Faith’s cot.   
„Let me introduce you to your daughter.“ 

Standing at her cot, seeing her for the first time with her beautiful red hair, sleeping like an angel, Jamie couldn’t take it anymore. He fell on his knees and started crying, mumbling words in Gaelic I could only guess the meaning of. 

„Faith“, I said, „Her name is Faith.“ 

Kneeling beside him, I took both his hands, caressing them with kisses. 

„Faith? Ye couldn’t have chosen a better name for the wee lass…“ 

„Actually…Mother Hildegarde gave her the name. We did almost lose her, Jamie… but she’s a fighter, just like her father… she survived and she’s perfectly healthy.“ 

Now he had cupped my face with his hands, pulling me into a long and comforting kiss. Then he lifted me up with his strong arms and carried me to our bed where he lay me down gently, his kisses getting more sensual. He had clearly missed me, as I had missed him, and we both couldn’t wait to be together again, to feel each other skin on skin, with nothing between us.

„Jamie…. there’s….. there’s one more thing that you need to know before we….“, I pulled back a little, still not sure how I could tell him what I had done.

„What is it, Sassenach…?“, he asked gently.

„Jamie… do you know why you were released from prison…?“  
  
„No… they told me that the king had granted me my freedom, but they dinna tell me the reason.“

„I…. I slept with the king…. to buy your freedom“ I managed to say.   
My voice was full of guilt and shame, even if I knew that it was the only possibility that I’d had. 

„When I learned what happened and what your reasons were, I… I….“ 

„You did it to save my life. Just like I gave myself to Randall to save yours…“  
  
I nodded with teary eyes, enjoying the embrace of his arms once again, feeling the warmth of his body, the energy and heat between us rising with every kiss, every slightest touch. He kissed my face, my lips, working his way down over my neck to my breasts. 

„Oh… Jamie… I missed you…. don’t stop…“  
  
„Dinna fash, mo nighean donn, I’m here wi’ ye…“, he breathed through his kisses, covering my body with his hands and his mouth. 

Our lovemaking quickly changed from slowly and thoroughly exploring our bodies, feeling every inch of them again, to desperately and passionately needing each other and being as close as we could possibly be.

My head rested on his chest, we were both sweaty and satisfied, his hand stroking my back.  
  
„Jamie…“, I said, eyes closed „take us home…. take us home to Scotland.“  
  
„Aye… to Scotland“, he answered, placing a kiss on my head.

When we arrived at Lallybroch, we were welcomed in the warmest way we could have imagined. It almost felt like another Gathering; all the tenants came to see Faith, the newest addition to the Fraser family and were a little surprised when they realized that we had indeed brought yet another child with us. We had grown so fond of Fergus that it was out of the question to leave him in France. He belonged with us and he knew that.

We finally had a chance to settle in Lallybroch and find our new rhythm as a family. In the fall we harvested potatoes and prepared everything for the cold winter days in the Highlands. Faith was growing and filled our days with joy. Every time I looked at Jamie playing with Faith, showing her the world and talking to her in Gaelic, I realized that he was not only a born leader, but also a born father; it came to him so naturally. When anything was bothering her, let it be belly aches, aching gums because her first teeth were growing or some little scratches, he was the one who could calm her down in an instant. One night she couldn’t sleep because of a terrible cold, so Jamie spent the whole night with her wrapped in his plaid, sitting in front of the warm fire place. In moments like this, he started telling her stories in Gaelic, knowing that one day she would understand his words, and even be talking back to him in Gaelic.   
I hadn’t had many photographs of myself when I grew up, there was only one of me at a very young age, sitting on my mother’s lap, smiling at the camera. Every time I looked at my baby, my daughter, I saw myself in her, for she looked exactly like me, aside from her hair colour, that clearly came from the Fraser side of her family.  
She was a little whirl wind. From the moment she learned to crawl, nothing was safe anymore and everyone at Lallybroch was constantly on the lookout so that she wouldn’t get her tiny quick hands on things just to carry them away for us to search and probably never find again, or putting them in her mouth where they clearly didn’t belong. When she wasn’t on the hunt for more stuff to steal, she would explore every possibility to hide and giggle with joy when she heard me calling for her.  
The place she was most comfortable at were in fact the stables. The first time Jamie took her with him to the horses, both of their eyes were sparkling with excitement when they returned. Faith was fascinated by the elegant animals and they seemed to have taken an immediate liking to her as well. Jamie’s excitement that he could teach his daughter how to ride and care for the horses was palpable, he couldn’t wait for her to be tall enough to start her riding lessons.

But all of our hopes and dreams for our future were shattered the day we learned that the Bonnie Prince Charlie had forged Jamie’s signature, marking Jamie as a traitor once again. In that moment I knew our lives would again change, and probably not for the better.  
But if he was going to war, so was I. No matter what scenario came to my mind, in none of them could I see myself not being with him.   
The guilt I felt towards Faith was tremendous. Could I really leave her? How long would we be gone? Some more questions came to my mind that I didn’t dare to think… of course we would come back, why wouldn’t we?   
I trusted Jenny and knew that she would take care of Faith as if she was her own daughter. Nevertheless, leaving Faith behind was the hardest thing I could imagine in that moment. I hugged and kissed her over and over again while telling her that I loved her and that Mummy and Daddy would be back in no time. 

  
„No! I will stay here with you, I cannot leave you! I won’t!“ I screamed.

„Ye must, Claire! Ye’ll be a traitor’s wife and for that they will haunt ye, ye will’na be safe in this time.“

„Then I’ll die with you here!“ 

„Nah, ye will’na do that either.“, Jamie answered very calmly.

„At the witch trial… would you have left me?“ 

„No! I would have gone to the stakes with ye! But…. but I wasna carrying your child!“

„How… how… you cannot know that… it’s much too soon“, I stared at him in total disbelief, wrapping my head around the truth that I had known deep down inside, but hadn’t let myself believe, for the timing couldn’t have been worse.

„Sassenach, for all the time we’ve been together, ye havena been a day late in yer courses in all the time since ye first took me to yer bed, but… it’s been two months now…“

„You kept track?? In the middle of this bloody war, you kept track?“

„Aye…. how long have ye known, Sassenach?“ he asked. 

„Not long…“ I answered shyly, knowing now that there was nothing I could say or do to let me stay with him. 

He got on his horse and pulled me up to sit in front of him, holding me tight as we made our way up to the stones of Craigh na Dun. With every step the horse made, my heart ached more and deep sadness covered my thoughts.  
Arriving at the stones, a shiver went down my spine. The last time I saw them, he had brought me here and let me decide if I wanted to stay with him or go back to Frank. This time, he wouldn’t let me make the decision myself; he had already decided.  
We got off the horse and slowly walked towards the circle of the standing stones. Those stones were my destiny, and I couldn’t run from them now. 

Faith.  
„Jamie…no…. I can’t! You can’t make me go! What about Faith? I can’t leave her, she cannot be without her mother! I’m her mother, Jamie! She’s my daughter! I’d rather die with all of you here then go through these fucking stones again…!“ 

That was my last hope. If he wouldn’t let my stay for him, then at least for our daughter. I felt my heart break at the thought of losing her. She was supposed to grow up with both her parents, not as an orphan. He had a good grip on my hands and I knew I wasn’t strong enough to break free from it, but I tried anyway. 

  
„Ye will read all about it in your history books, Sassenach. Ye will ken when the time is right to return, if ye want to, if ye can. Faith will be safe with Jenny, I promise. Jenny will tell her about her mother and her father, when she is old enough. I gave Fergus a letter with the deed of sasine, explaining it to Jenny as well as I can, leaving out all the time travel. Ye have to go. For the sake of our children.“ 

With that, he put his hand on my belly and looked me deep in the eye, lowering his face to mine, kissing me in a way I knew meant goodbye. He had thought that through, making sure his family was save. I cried.  
Tears were running down both our faces as we slowly walked up to the center stone. The buzzing got louder and louder, ringing in my ears, pulling me close, no matter how much I fought against it. 

„We will be together again… I promise…I will find ye and protect ye an’ the bairn wherever ye go…“, he whispered in my ear, holding me close. 

We kissed, and in this kiss lay all the sadness, the longing, the despair of two people knowing that they have to part and also knowing that this pain was too much to bear alone.

We fell on the ground, and hastily he pulled up my skirts, making his way up between my legs. It wasn’t a matter of love, it was sheer lust and despair that made him take me there on the ground next to the stones. It was over in seconds, but we both needed it.  
  
He helped me up, taking me in his embrace again. 

„Jamie… I love you… I love you“, I sobbed, not able to hold back the my tears any more.   
„And I you“, he answered, before he turned me, still holding me close to his chest, one hand still on my stomach, silently saying goodbye to the child he’ll never get to meet. 

The buzzing was loud and clear, giving me no chance to escape. I had to go, even if it was the last thing on earth I would ever want. 

„Goodbye, Sassenach… I love you..“, and with those words I fell.

They were dead. All the people that I had met and loved in the past three years, dead and gone.  
They were gone, both of them. Within only a few seconds, I had lost the two people that meant the world to me, who made me whole. My family. I had made a promise, and I knew I needed to keep it, for the sake of my unborn child.   
I got up and stumbled, still dizzy and scared from my travel through the stones, grieving everything that was now and would forever be my past.

I was picked up by a man in a car who happened to drive on the road near Craigh na Dun. He must have been very irritated as well by my looks as well as my behaviour, a screaming, crying, grieving woman, dressed in clothes from another century, so he brought me to the hospital in Inverness, where I was eventually reunited with Frank.   
I told him what had happened, knowing it would hurt him to listen to all of it, but in fact, I didn’t care. I was hurting, mourning my family, my love, my daughter, everything that had truly mattered to me, and I thought it would make it just the slightest bit easier to bear if he was hurting, too. He didn’t believe me at first, but the longer I talked, the more he seemed to at least accept my version as something that was not to be questioned.

The only thing I didn’t tell him about was Faith. I couldn’t bring myself to talk to him about her, knowing that I couldn’t endure the pain. I locked all my feelings away, never to be felt again. It was also his condition… never talk about the past, and we can be together again. Not that I wanted that, but I had promised Jamie, and also my unborn child needed a father. Frank had always wanted to be a father, so after the first shock of learning that I was in fact pregnant with another man’s child, he decided to love and raise this child as his own.   
We moved to Boston, for both of us needed a complete change. And we made it work.  
He was indeed a wonderful father to Brianna, the daughter I named after Jamie’s father. Every time I looked at my beautiful daughter, I saw her father in her, her real father. Red curls, piercing blue eyes, and a stubbornness that I had only seen once in my life. No… twice, for her sister was blessed with the same stubbornness. 

Faith.  
Only when I was alone I allowed myself to think about her.  
I didn’t know if she was still alive, or any of them. I read all about the aftermath of Culloden and what had happened to the Highland culture after the battle. I knew that Jamie sent me and Brianna back so that we would be safe, but there was not one day that I didn’t curse him for forcing me to leave Faith behind. And him. He was determined to fight this battle, and to die in this battle, he didn’t think he had a choice. And probably he didn’t. I didn’t just lose my husband and my daughter that day, I lost my whole life, finding myself in a different time, with a different husband, and another daughter. A husband that I had loved, once, a lifetime ago, and a daughter that I couldn’t possibly love more. She was my world. She was everything that I had left of him, and even if I could never talk about any of this, I thought about my lost family, my lost life, everyday of my new life, that life that I never wanted.

Brianna was 18 when Frank died in a car accident in a cold winter night. Brianna loved Frank very much, so she was devastated when I told her. I grieved him as well, but at the same time I felt a weight being lifted off my shoulders. I was free again, free from any obligations I had felt towards Frank for taking me back and raising Brianna. It wasn’t a happy marriage, for Frank knew that I could never love him again the way that I did before I walked through the stones.

I had never forgotten those last words.   
„Ye will ken when the time is right to return, if ye want to. If ye can.“   
Yes… but to be honest… I didn’t dare. I was too scared… too scared to find out that she hadn’t made it, that something terrible had happened. And also, I couldn’t leave Brianna. Not in a million years would I leave my daughter.

Brianna was furious. And it was her right to be. I, no, we, had lied to her all those years. But now she knew, and nothing could change that. Frank had been dead for almost two years when we took a trip to England together and I learned of the passing of Reverend Wakefield. We decided to travel to Inverness to pay our respects.   
Returning to Scotland was strange. It all felt so familiar, yet so far away.  
It was there that Brianna found out about those three years Frank had been looking for me until my miraculous return in the spring of 1948, pregnant with another man’s child.  
I had wanted to tell her, I just hadn’t found the right place, the right time, the right words to do so, but now that she had read all the newspaper articles she found in the Reverend’s belongings, there was no turning back for me. I needed to tell her the whole story so she would understand.

„I need to tell you!“ 

„No! I don’t want to hear it! Tell it to the fairies or to some standing stones or to the rats in the cellar, but spare me! You lied to me! How could I ever trust you again?“

Roger put his hand on her shoulder, and that seemed to calm her down at least a little bit.

„You wanted the truth. No matter what. This is your chance. It’ll probably be hard, but you told me, that’s what you want…“

„Fine…“, she sat down on the sofa, throwing me a dark look with her piercing blue eyes, her head all read from the anger inside of her.

_Go on now, Beauchamp, out with it. She deserves the truth._

So I told her everything. I was regularly interrupted by another outburst of anger and disbelief, but Roger always managed to cool her down just enough for me to move on. 

Faith.   
What would Bree say when I told her I had had another daughter before her, with another man, her real father, and that I had left her, abandoned her? Should I even tell her? I wasn’t planning on going back, that I had decided right after Frank’s death. It had come to my mind, but I dismissed this thought. I had left one daughter, now I couldn’t go and do the same thing to my other daughter as well. But Bree. Bree had to know… I knew I had to tell her.

„Bree… there’s something else you need to know. I… We… Jamie and I… we… we had another daughter… her name was Faith and…“, it was the first time that I had said her name out loud since April 16th, 1746 and I felt a big lump in my throat.

„And what? You left her? Let’s just assume anything of all those fairy tales that you’re trying to make me believe right now was real, you had a daughter and abandoned her? Well… I can tell you… that would be the one thing I’d believe to be true.“  
  
And with that, she stood up and stormed off, her face red with anger.  
Ouch. Of all the things she had thrown at me that day, that was the one that really hurt.  
She was just like her father. She had a temper, and when she was angry, she said things that she regretted afterwards, things she didn’t mean. But now… that… I wasn’t so sure wether she’d ever regret saying this.

„Bree…. I’m sorry…“, I called after her, but she didn’t hear me.

To my surprise and relieve, Bree started talking to me again by the end of the day. She was still angry and didn’t want to hear anything about the stones or time travel, _but_ she wanted to know about Jamie.  
Even if our relationship had often been complicated, I knew my daughter better than anyone else. As much as the truth of Frank not being her real father hurt her, it was suddenly clear to me that it hadn’t come as a complete surprise to her. Deep down inside, she had known even before she found the evidence.

It felt so good to finally talk about him, to tell her every detail of him, and the more I talked, the more memories came rushing back to my mind. A heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t have to lie to her anymore, I didn’t have to play pretend.

„And what about my…. my sister? Faith, you said her name was?“, Bree asked shyly. 

Somehow I hadn’t expected her asking about Faith, so I needed a few seconds to pull myself together. 

„Yes, her name was Faith… she was born prematurely, but she survived… we left her with Jamie’s sister, your aunt Jenny, when we went to Culloden…“ 

_Fuck_. I saw Bree’s eyes change and I knew that, at least for this moment, I had lost her. 

„Yeah, well, whatever“, was all she said before she turned her back on me and started getting ready for bed.

„Geillis? You met Geillis? Here?“ 

I couldn’t believe it. But yes… 1968, the year Geillis had mentioned shortly before Jamie had rescued me at the witch trial, leaving her to be burnt.

„Gillian Edgars, that’s her name! Now stop with your fairy tales, I thought we were over that!“, Brianna hissed. 

I ignored her comment, too furious myself to be offended by it. Geillis had sacrificed herself that day, so that I could live. I never truly understood why, but I was forever grateful to her. I needed to find her.

„Geillis! Geillis! Noooo!“, I screamed. I ran. I heard a buzzing and shivers ran down my spine. I hadn’t heard that sound in 20 years and it caught me off guard, making me gasp. I smelled smoke and burned flesh. _Oh God, what have you done, Geillis?_   
Brianna and Roger were right behind me, I could feel them. We all saw Geillis walking towards the center stone of the circle. She lifted her hands, touched it. And then, she was gone.

Brianna grabbed my arm and looked me straight in the eye. She believed me. She finally believed me.   
„Mama, I’m sorry…. I believe you!“ she cried. 

„I know, it’s alright, darling, it’s alright“.

„But that… that means… I have a sister? And you can go back? We can go there?“

„Bree… I’ve thought about this a lot and I don’t know if I can go back, or if I even want to… I don’t know where she is, I don’t know if she lived. I have my life here, my work, you are here, and I could never leave you. I could never go through the pain of losing a child ever again.“

„Mama, you have to! When Daddy died, I would have given anything to see him again just once , in all my prayers and whenever I visited his grave, I begged him to send my a sign that he’s still here, that he’s still with me..“ 

„Oh Baby, I know… he’s with you, he’s always with you. He loved you with all his heart and he’s never truly gone.“

„But you have to find her. If anyone has told her about you, then she’s waiting for you, she needs to know you, Mama!“

  
And so I went. I promised Bree to tell her sister everything about her.

  
I walked next to my horse up the way to Lallybroch. I had never been so nervous in my life. _Who would be there? Would anyone I know still be there? How would they react? Did they think I was dead? What did they know about what happened at Culloden? Could I visit Jamie’s grave? Was he buried anywhere or was he lying somewhere on Culloden field?_ Shivers ran down my spine by the thought of it. I reached the gate and although I was still nervous and scared, I immediately felt home again.

„Hello Ma’am, can I help ye?“ 

I turned and found myself facing a beautiful young woman with curly red hair.   
What…? It was as if a magic mirror had appeared in front of me, showing me a vision of myself as a 22 year old, just with a different hair colour. The young woman seemed to share this experience, even though hers must have been a little bit less pleasant, getting an image of herself 30 years older. She dropped the bucket with water and the water flowed over the courtyard. But none of us cared.

„I am… I …. ar… am… aahhhh…. phew… sorry… I’m… I’m looking for Jenny Murray? Is she here by any chance?“, I managed to ask.

„Well, yes, she’s… in the kitchen…“, the young woman was still startled, as was I.  
  
Slowly my brain started working again and my thoughts cleared. I looked at her, taking in as much as I could from her appearance. She was beautiful. About my hight, beautiful red hair, and her eyes the colour of whiskey, just as I remembered them. 

She was my daughter. Faith. And she knew that, too. 

We were just standing there, eyes fixed on each other, not able to say or do anything.

„Faith?! What happened? What is takin’ ye so long? We’re waitin’ for.. holy mother of Jesus!“  
  
That was Jenny.  
She gazed at me with the same astonishment as Faith did and her face lost all its colour. Then tears started running down her cheeks and she ran up to me, hugging me.

„Claire! You are alive! You have returned! I canna believe this…“

After what felt like hours she slowly let go of me, still holding my hands. Realizing that Faith was still standing next to us in complete shock, she said: „I’m sorry, lass. Ye must be havin’ so many questions in your mind..“

Faith was now focussing me. „Are ye….why do ye… ye…. ye look… ye look like me…. what… why… are ye really….?“

„Well…. Faith… yes…“ I stretched out my hand and gently touched her face. „I’m sorry it took me so long… Faith.. I’m your mother.“

And with this sentence, Faith seemed to lose any control of her emotions. She started shaking and she couldn’t hold back her tears; they were running down her cheeks in streams and she started sobbing like a three year old. I stretched out my arms, taking her in my embrace, holding her, and then I allowed my tears to make their way onto my face as well. 

„I’m so sorry my sweet angel, I’m so sorry it took me so long to come and find you…“, I repeated as I stroked her hair and her back.

Slowly her sobbing fainted, but I couldn’t let her go, I kept holding her until she lifted her head and looked straight at me, her eyes swollen and red from the crying. 

„I can’t believe ye’re really here. All I ever heard was that I looked like ye and that ye’ve gone to the fairies. But…. you’re here..“

„I’m so sorry, my darling, my angel“, I whispered for the 100th time. 

„Well, that’s some kind of family reunion“, Jenny suddenly said. 

Faith was staring past me at the entrance gate of the estate that was behind me, her eyes still red and swollen, her cheeks wet from her crying. Before I could turn to see who they were looking at, I heard his voice, making my heart drop and my blood froze in my veins. 

„Mo chridhe, Faith, what’s wrong? What’s the matter? What…?“ he fell silent. 

Shock and disbelief filling the air between us as our eyes met, both just seconds away from fainting.

No. That cannot be. I’m dreaming. This is all a dream. No.   
There he was. But he was dead. Or supposed to be.

Slowly he started moving, step by step he came towards me and when he finally reached me, my knees gave up and I fell right into his strong arms.

„Jamie? How can this be… I thought… I thought you were dead….“

„Sassenach…Claire…. I canna believe ye’re truly here.“ 

He held me in his arms and I heard him cry. Actually, we were both crying like children, holding each other, feeling the warmth of our bodies against each other. With every heavy breath that I took, I smelled him and very slowly this calmed me down. All the sadness and grief of the last 20 years were gone in that instance, nothing mattered but the fact that he was alive and I was in his arms again, the one place I truly belonged.

„I need to look at ye, Claire… let me see ye…“, he mumbled in my hair, and so we loosened the grip we had on each other just enough to be able to pull our heads back a little bit.   
My vision still blurry from my tears I blinked a few times until it cleared. It was him. Ginger hair, tied back; the same piercing blue eyes focussing me;

„I’d very much like to kiss ye right now… may I…?“ 

„Yes.“, was all that I could say before our lips met. Feeling his soft lips on mine, tasting him, feeling him again like that just brought another stream of tears in my eyes, but I didn’t care. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After her unexpected reunion with Jamie, Claire is welcomed back to Lallybroch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, chapter 2, I hope you like it. 
> 
> A big thanks goes to Mushka for proof reading and constantly cheering for me, you're a gem.
> 
> \---------

When all the tears were cried and dried, we went into the house. My sudden and unexpected appearance had brought quite the excitement to the estate. I felt like I arrived in a bee hive, everyone was trying to get a good look at the reason for the sudden turmoil.  
The whole time, Jamie didn’t leave my side, holding my hand, fingers locked. I constantly caught myself glancing at him, still not quite able to believe that he was really alive, and that I was with him again. Whenever I didn’t glance at him, I turned my head to my other side, only to see Faith beaming at me with her sparkly eyes.   
„Ye’re here“, she whispered and put her head against my shoulder.

I was quite hungry and thirsty from my journey, so Jenny called the maids in the kitchen to bring out about everything they could find. It was literally the best meal I had ever had. 

„Oh… where... uh... where’s Ian..?“, I asked warily between two bites. I hadn't seen him nor had anyone mentioned him.

„He’s out in the field, but it willna be long before he returns, Sassenach. He’ll be so glad tae see ye.“ Jamie answered.

„Faith“, I looked at my daughter. „Tell me, how are you? I mean, apart from slightly surprised right now.“ I smiled at her. „I want to know you, hear about your life, everything.“

„Oh, well… Aunt Jenny keeps me quite occupied“, she laughed as Jenny poked her. 

„Ye be glad that I let ye live here“, she said jokingly. 

From the look that the two of them exchanged I could tell that they were very close, and I was very thankful for that. I ignored the tiny little sting in the back of my head that was made of a mixture of envy and guilt, because I had missed the last 20 years of my daughter’s life while Jenny had been with her all the way. _Maybe I could have stayed here after Culloden_ …. they had yet to tell me what had happened after Culloden and how Jamie was still alive, but that could wait. I wanted to get to know my daughter.

„Ah, what’s this? Why are ye all in here? Ye dinna tell me we were expecting guests, Jenny…“ 

Ian had arrived back from the field and just when he finished his sentence, he saw the guest he didn’t know was expected, because nobody had expected her: Me. His reaction was the same I had seen quite a few times that day. His eyes widened, his face turned pale, and he had to steady himself at the door frame. 

„Claire…“, was all he could say. 

„Ian“, I stood up and rushed to him, hugging him. It took him a few seconds to lift his free arm, but then I felt him holding me, shaking his head in disbelief. 

„I’m sorry, I should have announced myself“, I said smiling through my tears.

  
After we had finished our meal, Jenny hushed the big family out of the house to give Jamie, Faith and me some time alone. There was an awkward silence and it felt strange just to be the three of us. 

„I’m… I’m sorry it took me so long to come and find you…I didn’t know…“, I finally started. I struggled to find the right words and looked at Jamie. What did he tell her? What did she know?  
He immediately understood. 

„It’s alright, Sassenach. She knows.“ 

„Daddy used tae tell me stories about ye, that ye were a White Lady and needed to protect yer child, so ye had tae go, but he always said ye’d one day come back for me.“, she whispered.   
„Whenever I felt lonely, I thought of ye as my fairy, that ye’d protect me from evil. When Daddy came back from England…“ 

I threw a startled look at Jamie: „You were in England?“ 

„I’ll tell ye later, Sassenach…“. 

„When Daddy came back from England I was really mad at him because I didn’t believe him any more that ye were alive…“. 

„That’s when I told her the whole story“, Jamie jumped in. 

I smiled, reminiscing about the night I told Brianna the whole story. From what I remembered, Faith’s temper matched her father’s, and with that, her sister's, perfectly. 

„At first I thought he’d gone completely crazy, but then I just… I thought if there’s the slightest chance that what he says is true… I canna stop hoping that one day ye might come back…“

„Oh Faith… Jamie… I just… I couldn’t find any evidence that any of you survived… I was sure your father was dead… well, I was wrong about that“, I squeezed his hand. 

„and I couldn’t go threw the heartbreak again… if you had been dead, it would have been like losing you all over again, and I knew I was not strong enough for this…“. 

„What made ye change yer mind?“, Faith asked. 

„Well…. in fact…. that was your sister.“

They both stared at me in complete amazement. 

„I have a sister?“ 

„The child…it was a wee lass?“

„Yes, it WAS a wee lass… she’s 20 now… I named her Brianna, after your father“, I said to Jamie.

„Oh, Sassenach..“, he covered his face with his hands, taking a few deep breaths.

„She’s fine, she lives in Boston, in… in my time… and she told me to tell you everything about her, since… well… since we don’t know if we will ever meet again.“ 

A sudden rush of sadness came over me and I quickly wiped my tears away. Again, I felt the guilt of having left her rise in me… but she had supported me in the decision, encouraged me to go, and told me times and times again that I should not feel guilty. From my personal experience I knew that I was likely to never completely loose this feeling, as well as I would never stop missing her, but that was the price I had to pay. 

„She has red hair, just like you… and she looks so much like her father. Every time I looked at her, I saw you“, I looked at Jamie and smiled. 

Then I reached in my pocket to pull out the photographs of Brianna. Initially I had taken them with me only for myself so I could see her whenever I missed her. Jamie and Faith’s expressions changed from curiosity to suspicion when I handed them the photographs. 

„Sassenach… what the devil is this?“

„That, my love, is a picture of your daughter Brianna. It’s a photograph. We usually don’t paint pictures of people anymore in my time“, I explained with a smile. „Look at them, they won’t bite you“, I laughed.

Slowly both their faces turned soft when they realized and their eyes got wider. 

„She really looks like you, Daddy… and we all share the same hair colour“, Faith said softly. 

„Oh, you have so much more in common than just the colour of your hair…“ 

Jamie had fallen unusually quiet. He just sat there, the pictures of his daughter in his hand, staring at them. I put my hands on his and gently put a kiss on his shoulder. He lifted his head and I saw that he had tears in his eyes.

„Thank ye, Sassenach…. there wasna a day in my life I dinna think of ye and the bairn, wondering if it lived… thank ye for bringing me these wonderful news…“

„You’re welcome“, I whispered. „Do you have a safe place where we can put them? I don’t think it would be wise to let them lie around here, thinking about how the two of you just reacted, and you know where I come from.“

„Aye… put them in your pocket again, Sassenach, we will find a good place for them later.“

He ran his hand down my back and kissed me on the top of my head. Oh God, to feel him again, his touch, his heat… I couldn’t wait to be alone with him.

„She was raised by another man and was actually quite shocked when she learned about the two of you.“ 

„Claire… what about Frank? Does he ken that ye went back? Did ye…“ 

„I doubt that he knows. He died two years ago. An accident.“ That was all I wanted to say about Frank at the moment. He wasn’t important, not now, not here, not in this time. Jamie exhaled with relief.

„Well… ye actually picked the perfect time to come back“, Faith suddenly said. 

„Why is that?“ 

„It’s still very early… but… there will be another addition to the family“, with that, she put her hand on her belly.

„Oh my… you.. you’re with child?“ 

„Yes, ye’re goin’ to be a grandma“, she nodded and grinned.

„Who’s the father?“, I wanted to know. 

„D’ye remember Rabbie McNab, Sassenach? The boy we saved from his father the first time we stayed here at Lallybroch?“ 

„Yes, of course, he was a wonderful boy.“

„He still is“, Faith’s eyes were shining like diamonds. „We got married last year.“ 

I felt tears filling up my eyes again. „I’m so sorry I wasn’t with you on this day…“ 

„Oh but ye were… in my heart, ye were there with me the whole day.“

Rabbie was on his way back from Edinburgh and would hopefully return within the next few days, and with him, Fergus. I felt another wave of excitement rising through my body. Fergus! The little boy we had taken under our protection in Paris and who came back to Scotland with us, for we had become his family. 

We sat there and talked for hours until it was finally time to go to bed. Faith hugged me again, telling me how happy she was that I was there. She was almost at the door when she turned around once more and asked me:

“It sounds silly, but.. how shall I call ye?“ 

„Oh…“, I realized in that moment that she hadn’t called me anything the whole day. 

„Well… I’m your mother, so what would you like to call me?“ 

„Ma.“ she answered plain and simple. 

„Well then, Ma it is. See you tomorrow, my darling.“ She hesitated for a second. 

„I promise“, I assured her.

Without saying a word, Jamie took my hand and walked me up the stairs to a small room that obviously was his. He held the door open for me and I could feel the tension rise in both of us when he closed the door behind us. 

„Are ye tired?“, he asked gently while he lit the candles in the room. 

I simply shook my head. I should be, I thought, but I wasn’t. The day had been exhausting, physically and even more emotionally. There were still so many questions in my head, questions that I didn’t dare ask while Faith was around. Questions that only he could answer. But where should I start? 

„Why are you not dead?“, I blurted out, and as soon as I heard my question, I realized how stupid it sounded. 

„Hm… I guess that’s because I dinna die“, he said with a smirk that he regretted immediately when he saw the expression on my face. 

„I’m sorry, Sassenach… I dinna mean tae… I mean… aye… I meant tae die wi’ my men at Culloden… and I nearly did… I canna remember much o’ the day…“

Slowly, he told me what happened and how he came back to Lallybroch. After Jenny had saved his leg, which was badly wounded, he had stayed hidden in a cave in the woods. Redcoats were paroling the Highlands, searching for him and other Jacobites. Once they had nearly found him, which sadly led to Fergus sacrificing his left hand in the attempt to distract and lure them off. I was shocked when I heard this, but Jamie assured me that Fergus was especially proud of the hook that usually served as a replacement for his hand.   
Despite the fact that Jamie was a wanted man, he came to see his family regularly, always putting himself and everyone else in danger. So one day, he surrendered himself to the British and was brought to Ardsmuir prison. When the prison closed, he was not, like most of the prisoners, sent to the colonies, but to Helwater, and English Estate, where he worked as a servant in the stables. 

„Something happened there… I havena told anyone… but ye need tae ken, Claire“, his voice was composed, but I could sense the effort it took him to keep it that way. He walked over to the small cupboard, pulled out a drawer and reached behind it. What he handed me then was a small frame with a picture of a boy that looked interestingly familiar. 

„His name is William. He’s my son“, Jamie simply said.

I didn’t know what to answer, I just stared at the picture, then at Jamie. 

„Nobody kens he’s my son… not even he himself, and he never will…“

„Did you… love his mother?“ I asked.

„No… I dinna love her at all…“

The pictures of Brianna would be perfectly save with the picture of William, so I took them out of my pocket and gave them to Jamie to hide.   
Over the course of the day we had talked so much that the silence that now lay between us felt strange, yet soothing. He pulled me into his embrace and we simply stood there, silent, in the middle of the room. It was as if everything else around us ceased to exist, making us the centre of our small universe that we created. His scent lingered in my nose and I knew I was right where I belonged; I was home.

„I dinna love anyone…anyone but ye, mo nigheann donn“, he softly whispered in my ear.

„Neither have I.“

Very gently he started stroking my back causing my belly to fill with even more butterflies and sending a very pleasant shiver through my whole body. How I had missed him… his touch, feeling his body close to mine, that special bond, that undoubtedly still connected us, even after 20 years apart.   
We were ready for each other, we needed each other, but we were also scared of what was to come. A wave of insecurity suddenly rushed over me. I was 50 now, and my body had changed. Would he still want me? He obviously sensed my hesitation as he put his thumb on my chin to lift my head up.

„What is it, Sassenach? Don’t ye want me no’ more?“

„No!“, I smiled coyly. „That’s not it at all… I do want you, how could I not? I was just wondering if… if you still want me… I have changed… my body has changed… and…“

„Shh…. ye’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen… there isna anything in this world, in my time or in yours, that could ever change that.“ 

He pulled me close and kissed me, and with this kiss something that I had tucked away deep inside me broke free and I felt passion and lust rise in me. It was the kind of passion that I had only ever felt when I was with Jamie and from the way his grip on my back tightened while his tongue got more demanding with every kiss, I knew it was the same for him.

„Will ye… come… to bed… wi’ me now?“, he breathed through our kisses.

„To bed…. or to sleep…?“, and I saw the flicker in his eyes when he was reminded of our wedding night, the first night we had spent together.   
It almost felt like that night again… we were strangers, having had separate lives for the last 20 years, but there was still that force between us, pulling is together, igniting us.  
Our kissing slowed down, our eyes lingered on the other’s. Simultaneously we started untying each others scarves. The scar right under his neck, the very first of his wounds that I had tended, had fainted, but was still visible.   
He lifted his hand up to my face, tracing it with his finger from my forehead over my cheekbones, gently brushing my lips, my chin, down my neck to my collarbone. Keeping our eyes locked we slowly undressed each other, taking our time to take in the sight of each other that we had longed for for so long. Eventually the only thing left to take off were our shifts. Gently he untied the knot on mine and slid his hand on my chest. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, relishing the touch of his hand on my bare skin, feeling goosebumps all over my body. For a moment I was scared to open my eyes to find myself alone again, back in my empty bedroom in Boston.

„I want to see ye“, he whispered in my ear, and I could hear the longing in his voice. His hands were on my shoulders and slowly pushed down my shift. When it dropped on the floor, I opened my eyes and found him in front of me with an expression of astonishment on his face almost like the one he had when he first saw me again earlier that day.

„What is it…? You… you bloody well see something…“, I asked, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

„Christ, Claire… ye’re truly beautiful… even more beautiful than I remember… I canna believe ye’re truly here, and I can see ye, touch ye, feel ye, love ye again.“, he whispered.

I stepped closer to him and reached for the hem of his shirt. „Oh, but you can. But first, take your shirt off as well.“ And so he did.

In that instant, I understood his reaction to my being naked in front of him, for I felt exactly the same. Astonishment, desire, surprise, love, adoration, and many more, mixed into this one big feeling that stunned me for several seconds. All I could do was raise my hand to touch him which he answered with his own hand lifting up to mine until our palms touched, intertwining our fingers, caressing each others hand.

„You asked me a long time ago what it is between us, when we touch… I still don’t know“, I said softly.

„Aye…. but it’s still there“, he answered, and with this, he pulled me in for a deep kiss that ignited the fire between us yet again. Feeling his skin on my skin, his touch, his hands all over my body, his lips, it was all that I needed, all I craved for and never thought I’d feel again. I felt his heat, his longing, and his readiness when we, still kissing, walked to the bed. I fell onto the bed, pulling him down with me, on top of me.

„Claire…“

„Do it now… and don’t be gentle“. He entered me and God, no, he wasn’t gentle. He was rough and demanding, but that was exactly what I needed, I needed to feel him with every inch of my body, feel him until it hurt, just to know that he was really there, that I was alive with him. We finished together and it was like a million fireworks exploding at the same time.

He lay next to me, breathing heavily, gently taking me into his arms. My head rested on his chest and I listened to his heartbeat, still fast, but strong and even. He wasn’t dead, in fact right now he couldn’t be farther away from death. I desperately tried to control my emotions that had managed to break free before I had the chance to fight it. I bit my lip as it started trembling, but soon that wasn’t enough so took my knuckles between my teeth. Unfortunately that had only little effect, the trembling wandered from my lips to my teeth and into my whole body.

„Sassenach? Are ye alright?“, Jamie sounded very worried.   
I felt my whole body shaking, tears streaming down my face, I felt his arm wrapped tight around me, holding me, trying to steady me, and all I could do was lie next to him and cry uncontrollably. What I couldn’t do was answer him, no matter how hard I tried, the words just wouldn’t come out. After what felt like an eternity I slowly managed to steady my breathing and gain at least some control over my shaking body. It was then that I realized that I was desperately clinging onto him, my fingernails buried deep into his skin.   
„Sassenach? Did I hurt ye? Are ye in pain?“, it wasn’t the first time he asked, but only now did his words make sense to me and I shook my head. Yes, I was in pain, but it wasn’t physical, at least not initially.   
For so many years I was alone with my grief, believing him dead, and I never got the chance to truly mourn him when I arrived back in my time. I was forced to push these feelings aside, to not allow them to come to the surface, so I had buried them deep inside me. The happiness of this day had covered these dark feelings as long as possible, but now, vulnerable and alone with him, they had found their way out, overwhelming me and robbing me taking complete control.  
„I… I thought… I thought you were dead… I didn’t….. couldn’t….“, I sobbed.  
„Shh… mo chridhe…“, he went on mumbling words to me in Gaelic, words I didn’t know the meaning of, but they were calm and soft and soothing. He kissed my hair, my forehead, took my hands in his and kissed them, caressed them, stroked my head, letting his finger wander over my face, wiping away my tears.   
„Claire… I’m…“ he started, but I interrupted him. „Jamie… let me be alive with you.“  
His kisses got more intense, he covered my whole body with his lips and his hands, working his way down very slowly to make sure I knew he was alive, we were both alive together.   
Our love making was slow and intense, we took our time to savor the contact of our skin, feeling each other close, vulnerable, and safe. Slowly, all those sad feelings lost their significance. They weren’t gone, and I wasn’t sure if they ever would be, but for now they were not relevant anymore.

The next morning I awoke curled up in his arms, his warm body against mine. Jamie was still asleep and had a smile on his face. I watched him for several minutes before he opened his eyes.

„Are ye truly here, Sassenach?“, he asked, caressing my face.

„Yes, I am. It’s not a dream, I promise.“ I answered with a soft smile. I had wondered that myself just a few minutes earlier but yes, I was truly here, in his arms, in his bed, in his time.

When we walked down to the kitchen, the rest of the family was already doing their work for the day. We had overslept quite a little, but obviously they had all agreed that for this one day they would grant us the extra time together in the morning.   
Faith was kneading dough for bread, but completely forgot about that when she saw us entering and ran to us.

„Ma! Daddy! Di’ ye sleep well? There’s some porridge left for ye. We dinna want tae wake ye, thought ye probably talked a lot last night.“

„Thank you, darling. Yes, we… we talked… until the early hours.“, I said but couldn’t help but throw Jamie a side glance only to see that he was, unsuccessfully, trying to hide his grin.

  
The next few days were quite uneventful. I tried to help wherever I could and spent as much time as possible with Jamie and Faith. Faith told me about her life in Lallybroch. Jamie had been in hiding or in prison for most of her childhood, so their relationship had only had the chance to develop into what it was now in the last two years since he’d been back from England. In the years after Culloden when he was in hiding, whenever he sneaked into Lallybroch he tried to at least have a few moments with his daughter. With time, she started looking forward to those meetings with him, because every time he told her stories about her mother, about me.   
When he was brought to England after his time in Airdsmuir, he started writing her letters regularly and she couldn’t wait to read them, for he always included small stories about me in his letters.  
And every story, every letter, he ended with the affirmation that when the time is right, I would come back and find her.

„You really believed that I would come back?“, I asked him in the evening, snuggled up in his arm.

„Aye… I had faith… I kent ye’d come back for her“.

I smiled at the ambiguous meaning of this sentence. Yes, he had Faith, our daughter, and I knew he saw me when he looked at her, as much as I’d seen him whenever I had looked at her younger sister, our second daughter, the one that grew up with me.

  
Brianna.  
As much as I enjoyed being home, because that was what Jamie, his family, our family, Lallybroch, had always meant to me, I thought about her daily and I missed her terribly. I knew that Frank and I had raised her well and that she would find her way and her place in this world but I couldn’t shake off that last piece of regret of having left her. 

„What is it, Sassenach?“, Jamie asked. He must have seen the expression of sadness in my face.

„It’s nothing….it’s just… I was thinking about Brianna and was wondering how she’s doing..“.

He pulled me closer and placed a kiss on my head. „Aye… Claire… I’m sorry…“

„Sorry? For what?“ I hadn’t expected him to say that.

„For sending ye back through the stones all those years ago…“

„I didn’t want to go. Believing you were dead nearly killed me as well…Brianna was the only thing that kept me going in the first years..“

„I canna imagine how it must ha’ been for ye… but Claire, I dinna have a choice, I needed tae protect ye and the bairn… and from what ye’d told me, I was sure I was goin’ tae die on the battlefield…“

„Yes, but you didn’t.“ I felt anger rise inside me, stupid and irrational anger, because deep down I knew he was right. Faith had been safe with Jenny and Ian, they could always pretend that she was their child whenever the redcoats came looking for Jamie. I would have needed to go into hiding with Jamie, which wouldn’t have been a big problem, I thought, if it hadn’t been for me being pregnant. My pregnancy with Bree wasn’t an easy one and I had been grateful more than once to have access to the medical knowledge of the 20th century. 

„No… but I’ve told ye what my life was like in the years after Culloden, ye were safer in yer own time, and Brianna grew up with two parents.“. The pain in his voice was palpable. He hated the fact that Brianna was raised by another man and that I had been married to this man, even if Jamie had asked me to go back to him. That was something we had in common, something we both hated. But what I had learned from the past was that history cannot be changed, no matter how hard you try. 

„I know… I guess we would have lost something either way… both our children were safe, and that’s all that mattered…“

„Aye… we will never ken what might have happened if ye’d stayed, Sassenach, but what I ken is that ye’re here now and I willna send ye back again.“, he mumbled into my hair. 

  
About two weeks after my arrival Faith, Jenny and I were in the kitchen preparing dinner, when we heard a whistle from outside the house. 

„That must be Rabbie and Fergus“, Faith exclaimed and immediately hurried to get out of the kitchen. „Come with me, Ma!“,I watched after her, not quite sure what I was supposed to do now. Should I go outside with her? Should I wait until they came in? How would Fergus react? Suddenly I felt awkwardly shy. 

„Oh, go on, now, Claire. Ye havena seen the lad in years, he’ll be thrilled“. Jenny took the knife out of my hand and pushed me to the door. 

Reluctantly I stepped outside and saw Faith throwing her arms around a tall muscular man with brown hair who had just stepped off the wagon. She whispered something in his ear, kissed him, and then turned around to me, smiling the biggest smile.  
Fergus was at the back of the wagon, unloading some boxes and crates. He had been a boy of merely 12 years when I last saw him and he had grown into a handsome young man. He still had a head full of dark curls, but now they were long enough to tie them back, just like Jamie did. I saw the hook on his left arm and remembered what Faith and Jamie had told me, but he seemed to be working quite skillfully with this replacement.

„Ah, ma petite soeur, how are you doing? I know you missed your husband, but could you let him go for just a few more minutes to help me unload, please?“, he called, not noticing me standing in the door. Hearing him calling Faith „ma petite soeur“, my little sister, made my heart pound even faster than it already did. 

„Aye, Fergus, I’ll do that for ye, ye can say hello tae our guest“, I hadn’t realized Jamie had appeared in the courtyard behind Fergus.

„Oui, Milord, we have a guest?“

„Oh aye, a verra special one“, Jamie grinned and nodded in my direction as I slowly walked down the stairs towards Fergus. 

He made an attempt to bow down in front of me, still the French gentleman that I remembered, but stopped midway when he eventually recognized who I was. Astonishment and wonder filled his face, completed by a big amount of joy.

„Mi… Milady?! Is it really you? You’ve returned!? It’s a miracle!“, he cried out while making a few big steps towards me to wrap me in his arms into a long hug.

„Oh, Fergus, I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry it took me so long to come back.“, I said as tears started rolling down my face. I realized how much I’d missed him and that the reason was that my feelings for him were just the same as for Faith and Bree. He was my son, our son; the son of our heart.

  
Half a year went by and I established quite the reputation around Lallybroch. Some of the tenants still remembered me as the healer that I was, so they came to ask for help whenever someone was sick or had a wound to tend to. In the beginning they sometimes even visited me with small scratches and I guessed they just wanted to get a look at me, the woman who mysteriously vaporized and reappeared 20 years later, but I didn’t mind. I enjoyed being a doctor again and from time to time I was even needed to perform small surgeries. Sometimes Faith helped me with them. She was very interested in the matter and a quick learner.   
I had been a little scared that once the initial joy of my return had faded, she’d lose interest in me or we’d discover that we had nothing in common, but that wasn’t the case at all. She and Rabbie were still staying at Lallybroch even if they could have a little cottage just a few miles away, but with me being there and the baby on its way, Faith wanted to stay and Rabbie willingly obliged. He was a caring and loving husband to her and knew when to let her have her way. 

„She isna the meek and obedient type, Sassenach“, Jamie smiled. „D’ye ken where she might have gotten that from?“ I punched him and laughed. „Oh well, I might have an idea about that.“

Jamie and I found our way of being with each other again very smoothly and soon it felt like I’d never left. Every evening we took a walk around Lallybroch, sometimes accompanied by Faith, and I’d tell them stories about Brianna and our life in the 20th century. Jamie and Faith were still the only ones who knew the truth and we had agreed that we’d let it stay that way, at least for now. The official version was that Jamie had sent me on a ship to the Americas to keep me and everyone safe from any harm that could have been done to any of us and made me promise to never send word until it was completely safe. We also decided not to tell them about Brianna since it would have been expected for her to come to Lallybroch as well and that was, as only the three of us knew, impossible. So these walks with my small family were the only moments when I could talk freely about Brianna. I still missed her and I knew from experience that this was not something that would ever go away. It had been the right choice to go back, but I grieved the daughter that I had lost, left behind. That seemed to be my destiny, to be with one daughter, I had to leave the other one behind.

One day Fergus arrived with a small blond girl who seemed to be even younger than Faith and introduced her to me as Marsali. She reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. From the way Fergus and her looked at each other I could tell that despite the obvious age difference, they were madly in love. 

„I need to speak with Milord for a moment, please. Can we go outside for a moment, Milord?“, he asked. 

„Aye, what is it, son?“, Jamie answered, leading him outside, leaving me alone with the girl. 

„So, Marsali, welcome. Do you want anything to drink?“, I offered. She was looking at me in a very strange way, but didn’t say anything. I fetched two cups, filled them with ale and handed her one. She took it from me but didn’t drink it. Her behavior really put me off, but gladly in this moment Faith entered the room and greeted Marsali cheerfully. Seeing Faith, Marsali’s face loosened, showing me that it was possible for her to smile not only at Fergus, but at other people as well. Except me, obviously, which kept me wondering.

„Marsali! So great tae see ye. Is Fergus talking tae Da?“, Faith asked with excitement in her voice.

„Aye, he is“, Marsali’s excitement was even higher than my daughter’s.

„Oh, and I see, ye’ve met my mother. I guess Fergus must have already told ye that she really came back tae us.“ Faith said.

„Yer… yer mother? Aye, so she really is yer mother, then?“, it was almost a whisper, but still loud enough for me to hear every word. 

„Aye, Marsali. Now stop wi’ the nonsense. I ken what ye’re thinking and it isna true!“ Faith hissed.

„Girls? Could I please know what exactly you are talking about? I’m in the room, you know?“, I asked rather impatiently. 

Unfortunately, in that moment Jamie and Fergus entered the room again, so I’d have to wait to get my answer, since Jamie raised his voice so that everyone in the room turned quiet. I noticed how Fergus put his arm around Marsali and kissed her on the head.

„Well, ye ken I canna give ye my full blessing now. Ye will have to ask yer mother as well, Marsali. Ye’re not on good terms wi’ her, but I willna allow it that the two of ye run off and get handfast. Once she agrees, I willna stand in yer way.“

„Ye ken verra well that my mother willna agree tae this! That’s why we asked ye!“, Marsali protested. 

„I willna have this discussion, no’ wi’ ye and certainly no’ wi’ yer mother. Ye can get married if she agrees.“, Jamie made it clear that he was not going to discuss this matter any further, but Marsali sure wasn’t the one to give up so easily. 

„Ye told me that whenever I have a problem, I can come tae ye and ye’d help me, me and Joanie…“

„Aye“, Jamie interrupted her. „I did promise ye that. And ye ken that ye’re always welcome here, but yer mother and I are not on good terms and I dinna think we ever will be…“

I was following the conversation with rising interest and curiosity. Who was her mother? Why wouldn’t she agree to the marriage? Why didn’t Jamie want to talk to her? Who was she? And why did Marsali look so familiar? And then, I had never seen this girl here before, but from the way she talked to Jamie, as well as from the words she used, she seemed to know him, and trust him.

Marsali made a very Scottish sound, grabbed Fergus’ hand and stormed off with him.

„Who is her mother, now?“, I wanted to know once I found my voice again.

„Aye… Sassenach, I think ye should sit down“, Jamie motioned me to a chair.

„Fine, I’m sitting. Now talk!“, I got rather impatient now.

„Ma, I’m sorry for what Marsali said earlier, she’s still verra young and even if she doesna have the best relationship with her mother, she loves her and believes even the stupid things that she’s telling her.“, Faith interrupted.

„Tell me who her mother is, or do I have to beat that out of you, James Fraser?“, I hissed at Jamie, completely ignoring Faith.

It was obvious that Jamie was searching for the right words but finally decided to come out with it, very matter-of-factly: „It’s… her mother is Laoghaire McKimmie, you kent her as Laoghaire McKenzie.“

I felt air leaving my windpipe, my mouth went completely dry and I was thankful that Jamie had made me sit down, for otherwise I had the feeling that I was nearly fainting. That was why that girl had looked so familiar, how could I have not seen this? 

„Ma! Are ye alright?“, Faith rushed to me and put her hand on my shoulder. I just nodded while I tried to swallow and get my body to work again as it was supposed to.

„L… Laoghaire? She… is here? Why… how… how could you…? You know what happened back in Crainsmuir!“

„Aye, Sassenach, I ken quite well, but it wasna my choice, Jenny took her in as one of the tenants while I was in England, but their house is quite far from here, and they usually keep their distance. And Marsali is no’ like her mother…“

„Oh I beg to differ“, I interrupted him. „When you left with Fergus, I tried to be nice to her, offered her something to drink, but all she did was look at me with suspicion, not saying a word! She didn’t even take a sip out of the cup I gave her.“ My anger gave me the strength to stand up again. „Probably she thought I’d poison her. Did you know“, I turned to Faith „that her mother tried to have me killed? Burned at the stakes as a witch?“.  
From the shock that appeared in Faith’s face I could tell that she hadn’t known. Now it was her time to sink on the chair, her face pale as the moon, tears filling her eyes. „What? Ma… no… I dinna…. dinna ken…“ 

I wanted to storm out of the room, just like Marsali had a few minutes earlier, but Jamie caught my arm and held me back. „No, Claire! Ye canna leave now. Marsali is yer daughter’s friend, and yer son’s love, ye need tae listen tae us now.“ One look at Faith told me that he was right, she, too, needed an explanation right now, so I stayed, sat next to her and took her hand. 

It turned out that when Jamie returned from England, Faith and Marsali had already been friends. They didn’t see each other often, but enjoyed the time they had together. One night, Marsali suddenly knocked on the front door and asked if she could spend some nights at Lallybroch because she’d had a huge fight with Laoghaire. That’s when Jamie learned who Marsali’s mother was and he knew from his own experience how complicated she could be. So he told her that whatever happens, she would always have a safe place here.  
Laoghaire came looking for Marsali about five days later and started a big fight with Jamie, that she wouldn’t let him take her daughter away from her and that he’d already ruined her life by betraying her and marrying the „Sassenach witch“, as she still liked to call me.

„Oh, well… some things never change, I guess“, I even managed to smile a little bit as I said it. 

Jamie thought it wasn’t necessary to tell Faith the whole story about the witch trial at Crainsmuir for it wouldn’t have made any difference, and he was right. Faith and Marsali were friends, I wasn’t there, and Laoghaire lived far enough away to mind her own business, usually. Still, she obviously told Marsali the wildest fairy tales about me. At first, Marsali had tried to tell them to Faith as well, but they had quickly agreed that my existence or non-existence was something they were not talking about, and that had worked out fine until now.

„I told her I dinna want tae hear any of her stories because I had a picture of ye in my mind and that was all that I had, so she accepted it. The few times I saw Laoghaire, she kept her distance from me. When I first met her, she seemed quite shocked… now that I ken how much I really look like ye, and what has happened between the two of ye, I kind of understand..“ 

„Yes… it sure was complicated… and I’m glad you didn’t listen to her, though… I don’t mind you being friends with Marsali, I promise I’ll be nice to her.“  
„Thank ye, Ma. That means a lot to me.“, Faith sighed with relief.  
Actually I did mind, but I knew nothing would come from making her feel uncomfortable when she spends time with friends. Plus, Faith seemed to be able to distinguish between her friendship and what that particular friend was saying.  
The image of Laoghaire seeing my daughter suddenly amused me… it must have been a complete shock to her, learning that Jamie and I had a child who resembled me so much and who was friends with her daughter… that was even better than to dance upon her ashes.

„So, but that still doesna solve the problem that Fergus wants tae marry the lass“, Jamie interrupted my thoughts.   
„I dinna want tae have tae argue with Laoghaire… actually, I dinna want tae have anything tae do with her… but I suppose Fergus and Marsali are right, she willna agree tae this.“

„Believe me, neither do I. I was perfectly fine without her and feel no need to change that, but shouldn’t we do _something_? Fergus looked happy with her…“, I had to admit that, even if I didn’t like it one bit. _Fergus marrying Laoghaire’s daughter???_ That meant I’d probably meet her again, eventually, and from what I caught up in the last hour, it sure wouldn’t be what you’d call a happy reunion.  
  
„Aye, Sassenach… I’ll think o’ something…“


End file.
